“If we lose love and self respect for each other, this is how we finally die.”
— Maya Angelou
I am one of the most respected people I know, and I don’t say this to be arrogant. I actually realized this truth years ago during a family trip.
My aunt got really drunk and late into the night she was yelling and cussing everyone out, including her older sisters, her brother, her best friend, and even her own daughter. We learned that she had had a lot to drink, which isn’t an excuse for her behavior, but did explain why she was more belligerent than I’d ever seen her.
What amazed me though was that as she took turns cussing at everyone in sight, she’d turn to me and say nothing. Even in her most lost state of mind, she couldn’t disrespect me.
I have the respect of everyone in my family, as well as my friends, who are mindful of anything I might be uncomfortable with. I’ve even garnered the respect of a few people who most others found highly difficult to be around.
I’ve been able to gain the respect of so many people for two reasons: because of how much I respect myself, and how much I respect others.
Philosopher Immanuel Kant’s ethical theory about respect claims, “all persons are owed respect just because they are persons, that is, free rational beings.” He defines respect as “the acknowledgment in attitude and conduct of the dignity of persons as ends in themselves.”
Basically, every human being has dignity and that dignity should be acknowledged in the way you treat them.
Since I was a child, my mother put the fear of heaven, earth, and hell in me (while managing to not be religious). She garnered my respect for her by fear. I was terrified of the woman, but that meant I hardly ever disobeyed her.
Yet, aside from respecting her, she also instilled in me that I had to treat everyone with respect no matter what. It didn’t matter who they were. Aunts and uncles — respect them. Grandparents — respect them. Gangsters my parents were friends with — respect them. People who had lied, cheated, stole, and probably much worse — respect them. And I always did because I was a child and they were adults. That was the only reason I needed.
However, I think it was my dad who taught me something deeper about respect without ever saying it in words. Those who mistreat and disrespect you — respect them. Whenever someone disrespected my dad, he never stooped down to their level. He simply walked away. This way he respected himself and didn’t disrespect the other person.
When trying to define what respect is and how it is shown, it’s probably easier to explain the opposite. The University of Iowa has a very nice and neat definition of disrespect — “Behavior that is rude, unpleasant, inappropriate, and unprofessional. Behavior that causes hurt feelings and distresses, disturbs, and/or offends others.” They also provide a nice chart just to be clear about the spectrum of disrespect.
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If anyone out there is confused about what it looks like to be respectful, simply do the opposite of everything on the spectrum and you will become a world-class respectful citizen.
As for me, I may have learned the importance of respect from my parents, but I’ve learned to cultivate it in different ways throughout my life. Here are the rules I live by in the way I treat others:
- Never belittle or put anyone down for anything;
- Don’t get involved in gossip or the spreading of negative words;
- Always look for a kind thing to say about everyone, particularly those I don’t like;
- Listen with interest;
- Take an interest in others by asking how they are doing;
- Be honest, but not cruel;
- Look out for others;
- When someone is mistreating me, either walk away or be nice to them anyway;
- Be kind and gentle when others need you to be.
Respecting others isn’t always an easy task, especially when you feel disrespected by someone else. I’m not perfect at it. But at the least, I try to never be disrespectful to someone who is being disrespectful to me, because I respect myself.
Having self-respect is arguably a lot harder than respecting others. It’s hard to have self-respect if your self-esteem is low, or you’re used to being disrespected your whole life, or because you don’t have solid boundaries.
Sadly, I think many people instead of asking, “what’s the best I’ve ever been treated,” will ask, “what’s the worst treatment I can handle,” and then that’s what they accept.
When someone disrespects me, I have to step back and analyze how to proceed. Is this a situation I can walk away from? If so, then I do.
If not, then what is the best way to move forward? For one, I have to make sure to never respond in the same way. I cannot be disrespectful back, because that automatically lowers the amount of respectfulness others think I deserve.
Having self-respect means being the bigger person. It means communicating and sticking to your boundaries. It means knowing the treatment you deserve, and then not letting anyone else cross that line, no matter who they are.
I once had a manager who micromanaged and criticized everyone I worked with. One day, when we were individually being given our yearly evaluations, he asked me for feedback to improve as a manager, because he wanted to one day have his own restaurant. I didn’t say anything at that moment.
Later on, he pulled me aside to criticize my skills as a server because of a guest complaint. I was bothered that he found it necessary to lecture me for several minutes for a small mistake, without acknowledging my good capabilities as other managers did when giving constructive criticism.
When he was done lecturing me and ready to leave, I thought it was the proper time to provide him with feedback as well. I asked him if I could give him some feedback, too because he had asked for it before. He agreed. I proceeded to tell him how he made many of us feel stressed out by his micro-managing and that he didn’t acknowledge that he has plenty of good workers. He got a little defensive, but it ended amicably.
The result? He never once criticized me again after that day, even when I continued to make mistakes, as we all do. He continues to criticize everyone else, though. Still, I felt like it was an accomplishment to get the manager who treated most everyone poorly to treat me differently.
What respecting others all comes down to is how Kant explained it — treat everyone as if they have inherent dignity. Focus on being caring, bringing others up, and finding good wherever you can.
In the Forbes article, “How to Be Respectful: 4 Essential Rules,” the first rule is the “golden rule,” which is “treat others how you want to be treated.” This one little rule really sums up everything. Respect others and respect yourself.
To do this, simply be honest and caring with others, and be assertive and communicative of your own standards. Once you know how to respect others and yourself, and you let others know how to respect you, you might be surprised to find that most people will.
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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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The post How I Became One of the Most Respected People I Know appeared first on The Good Men Project.